Tine's Gift to Mexico

In a brash, unanticipated announcement, interim POONAN Rodney Tine Sr., citing his love for our southern neighbors and not wanting them to feel shunned any longer (on view of the declaration as described by GNN NAC analyst, famous anorexic and Gentle - thus by extension Tine - critic, Prent Pergington “and also needing to clean up the ‘fracked fucked, oil-soaked desert wasteland’ without using up all the subsidized-time revenue, which is such a boon to the actual burgeoning subsidization industry and under current regulation wouldn’t be easily allowed to be reallocated to another fund stream…the conniving words that fell from that vicious little weasel Tine’s mouth were complete elitist tripe and show just how out of touch he is with the reality of the common man’s struggle. We don’t need shows glorifying violence and murder and we sure as fuck don’t need to turn south Texas into the next Godforsaken Concavity…and everyone knows it’s really because the oil spigots finally ran dry and so did the last of the aquifers.”), made an imaginary demarcation line just northwest of el paso moving east and all the way to route 35 then taking an abrupt 90 degree angle south and tracing a jagged arc to Brownsville and the ocean so as to keep Austin in the good old US of A but exclude San Antonio and in a show of extreme benevolence - as always - bequeathed that southern most half of the putrid, barren state back to Mexico. Other sources who wished to remain anonymous. said it was a move to widen the surveillance net and tighten national security in light of recent tragic events. However, nothing said in the speech seemed to indicate that inclination. Excerpts from the new commander-in-chief’s teary-eyed first speech since accepting the interim role of office follow, “I take this office temporarily for my friend and mentor with a heavy heart and because no one else will and somebody has to. I know this probably all seems too fast, and all of O.N.A.N. is still in mourning, but now is the time to embrace our oneness and share in the wealth that our unity affords us. Now that we are all under one banner I can assure you that it is the only right thing to do and tightening the relationship with the whole of the north american continent in this way will bring us even closer and make our message to the rest of the world even stronger. The RODEO will also help solidify our Union and work to foster the unbreakable bond of trust we have and continue to build upon. It is part of a multi-faceted approach that the Administration will be rolling the details out on in the coming months. The tragic passing of my friend and boss, President Johnny Gentle, has made me reflect and realize what’s important and that’s why I’m choosing to act now, without further delay, by giving the oft disputed territory back to our Mexican brethren. It’s what Gentle was working on and exactly what he would’ve done had he still been here with us today. You were the Bossest Boss Boss ever Boss and we all miss you and soon We’ll be cleaner than ever.”

Tine’s spokesman said that efforts for the relocation process are already underway and Lotteries will begin shortly and that even the homeless should enter because they will be afforded a proper care and a peaceful home in the again newly reconfigured territories of ONAN. We have agencies in place to make the transition north as smooth and of as little inconvenience as possible for the citizens affected by the gift.  

Mexican officials were unavailable for comment at the time of this writing and Texas officials, putting faith in God and the will of the people, said they will appeal the new executive’s decision in federal court in hopes of getting a permanent injunction. They will be hard pressed to get any stay on the gift since it is well known, just like state law gets subverted by federal law, federal law gets superseded by continental law so even if the judges are sympathetic to the state, the rule of law will over rule any emotional allegiances.